Love

At one point or another on Christmas day all of my children, save for J, said that Christmas was about love (for food, for family, for being together, or just for love's sake.) It was a wonderful thing to here. Christmas has always been about stuff for me, and it's been a big issue. I always wanted my Christmases to be toned down. And they were for awhile, especially when we were really involved in the Waldorf Community. I am grateful for that time, and proud of myself for all the hand made things we used to do, and maybe the fear that existed a bit in grandparents to get the children the things they really wanted to. Now the grandparents are doing what they want to do (which makes me happy, because life should be about satisfying your own needs, and not constantly worrying about satisfying someone else's requirements), we have less time for hand made, and we are not longer as Waldorf. I still see the value in having a wooden, albeit more expensive, animal and farmhouse over a plastic one as I feel the play will be warmer and more involved, it is not crucial - it is not the be all end all. What is most important is that my children know what Christmas is about - and I think we have achieved that. Parenting level: expert.

We went around to all the grandparents houses. It was chaotic. It was a lot. Our kids handled it as best as they could given the change in routine, the late bedtimes, and the influx of new and shiny things. I am glad the hoopla is over. I am excited to do Christmas pizza next year, instead of a dinner.

I am trying not to be a Grinch, I really worked on it this year. In some ways I succeeded, but I was tested in a lot of ways buy a few things, and I failed a few of those tests. I am grateful I had the support of my partners to remind me to breathe and relax and do what I needed to do to manage everything.

So from my family to your family have a wonderful rest of 2015, enjoy your entry to 2016 and be gentle on yourself and others.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

I hate Star Wars. Really, I do. But the kids freaking love it. M as a matter of fact is learning to read because of Star Wars, BigR is also kind of catching on to reading through Star Wars and K, well she could already ready. But really, I'm sick of hearing about Padme (who K pronounces PadMee), and Maul, and even J is into Backa and Solo (cute, but still, arg!). We have only watched one movie, we are planning on watching Episode 5 soon, and then this will only increase, this will only get worse - I am afraid. But yay, interests I guess.

What else is going on? Well, the Christmas season is coming, in like 9 days. With Glassman not working we planned to do a toned down thing, but we received from very nice gifts that have helped us immensely and to which we are eternally grateful for. It is still toned down compared to a lot of people's I think, but with 8 people in the house, even if people only get 3 gifts, that is still 24 presents under the tree. OH! Speaking of the tree, this year we got the tree that did not want to be a tree for us. It would not stand. We tried tying it up, we tried using blocks to support it, we tried using rocks - we tried everything - it would NOT stand. Finally we got a bucket, put the bucket in the stand, put the tree in the bucket and put gravel rocks in with the tree to hold it. It is standing, but I know that one day I am going to wake up and come out of the bedroom to a fallen tree. Several times a day you can hear a parent shout "Don't touch the tree!" It's to be looked at only.

We have my work Christmas party on Friday, Santa will be making a visit (J will love it!), then Glassman's family party on Sunday, then Craftymama's dad's on the 23rd, my mom's on the 24th, and then Craftymama's mom's on the 26th. So much for boxing day open house where all the grandparents come. I don't like all of this traveling around and multiple Christmases. But I suppose it's only fair, they travelled to us to many times in Duncan, that we can move around for them.

I am trying to enjoy Christmas more this year. Nor focus on the expectations, and just let things go more. It was working up until the tree debacle, and decorating when there were 9 people here and the kids were absolutely insane and the house was a mess and I was just trying to make some memories dammit! I am enjoying it more, overall. I am not a complete Grinch, but there are certainly things I could do without.

I have a some days off from work that I am looking forward to, well, not really financially speaking, but it'll be good to have some days off to mentally and emotionally recharge. I am trying to take responsibility for my emotions and do some self care things. So far it hasn't really been working, but the point is I have started to try, and I have an amazing doctor and an even more amazing support system at home.

Life isn't Always Perfect

Relationships aren't easy. They are a lot of work. Add into the mix the fact that we don't have just one relationship going on like you would in a monogamous relationship - we have 4: Craftymama & Glassman, Glassman & Myself, Myself & Craftymama, and the three of us together. That's 4 relationships that need nurturing and time and patience and everything else.

Yes, it's definitely worth it.

Lately, though, it has been challenging. The relationships aren't connecting on the levels they need to be and some of us are feeling left out, lonely, like we don't fit in, or that our other needs aren't being met.

We have tried to have some discussions about some of these specific issues, but I think the root of the problem is we are trying to do to much. We have the usual chaos that is having 8 people in a house, plus Glassman isn't working so there is that stress, which adds to the money stress. Then Craftymama is trying to get her school organized and ready to open at least part time in the new year, which is a lot of both physical work and mental work. Then there is me, and really I am the only one I can really speak for. I am trying to work on all my mental issues in a variety of ways: each of which very different and yet still vital to my health, plus I am trying to expand my parenting tool repertoire, then there is the whole working towards becoming a funeral director which I am making small strides towards. It's hard to keep all the balls up in the air and not drop some from time to time. We have to find priorities and hold those ones up the longest.

For me, I am looking to connect with people. All of our interactions seem to be about bills or surface stuff, or major meltdown issues. There is nothing in the middle, nothing that helps us feel we are truly connected to each other through our minds, hearts, and bodies.

Perhaps I am asking too much. Part of this polyamory thing is recognizing that not just one person can meet all your needs, and it's not fair to ask them too. Am I happy with what I have? I think so, I certainly love who I am with, and I love being with them. It's only when I think about what I feel 'should' be happening or how things ought to be that I begin questioning and wondering if I am truly happy. I am mentally stimulated at work, my boss and I follow similar trains of thought, so I really do enjoy having discussions with him, that need of mine is being met at work - why does it need to be met at home? The important thing is that a person's needs are met, it doesn't really matter how, does it?

Maybe I just go searching for problems? But I do think there are some things we need to work on, in fact I know there is; it's simply a matter of figuring out what's important and what can wait - while at the same time juggling all those aforementioned balls.