A (un)conventional family : Lights Will Guide You Home

So I haven't updated for a month. And much as happened.

First, I was supposed to go to that Vipassana Meditation Course. I bought my bus tickets, found a place to stay in Vancouver - with my sister, and packed my bags. I get to Vancouver and we are about to have dinner (my bus was the next morning at 6:30a), I get a call saying they made a mistake and they can't accept me because I was hospitalized in November. That's not completely true - I was in the hospital for ECT, it was a treatment. I haven't been hospitalized since last February if you recall. The word disappointed does not even begin to cover how I felt. Craftymama was pissed and wanted me to get mad at them, but I didn't see the point. I was upset, I was angry too - but getting mad at them wasn't going to do anything except send bad energy out into the world. I think it was a great learning experience for me. I felt more calm about it than I expected. They said I can apply again in 6-12months, I would like to - I think. I still believe it would be a valuable experience for me to go.

The girls went over to Vancouver to see the same sister for a night. They had tons of fun. One of the cousins' gymnastics coaches wants to steal Remy. I guess she was doing quite well when she got to play around on some of the stuff. This also lead to a discussion with Craftymama as to splitting the kids as the boys didn't get to go. It was MY mistake. I had told SisterE that Craftymama wouldn't let the boys go to Vancouver, when in reality she would let them go for a day - just not a night because they don't really spend the night anywhere. Truth be told I don't think they would like it, M would probably be upset and cry over wanting to be home, and BigR would just be quiet because it's too long away from home and he doesn't like that. Maybe next time the boys can go hang out with the cousins. I am sure the boy cousins would love it as J and BigR are so similar and M would just adore playing soccer with them!

I am trying some tangible things to both gain better control of my mental health and live the life I want to be living - even if I don't know what that looks like yet. I am working on a values book to help identify what's important to me and I have learned I have carried a lot of things from childhood. I am waiting on a DBT workbook which will help with my "adorable mood swings" as Craftymama calls them. I have also been walking around barefoot outside to ground myself more. It feels amazing. I laid in the grass the other day while J played down the hill and I just watched him through the grass - it was a really cool experience. I am also going to try to pick up my guitar more, and if I can't learn other people's songs for a variety of reasons then maybe I'll try writing my own. I used to write, never melodies, but lyrics. It might feel good to put some of that out there.

I was told by a friend that he will recommend me for an Ayahuasca ceremony. It's essentially a spiritual drink. This friend described it as 10 years of therapy in a couple of hours. A few years back I really wanted to do one, but you have to know the right people. Now I do! I am excited for that as well.

We had to euthanize our dog Kobey this week as well. He was having difficulty walking, his breathing was getting harder, and he had started stopping eating. He was 13, so he lived a good life. Everyone is sad and everyone wants another dog, and we have been looking - we just haven't found the right one yet. I am the only one that doesn't really want another dog, but I am supremely outvoted in this regard.