What makes you happy?

When I was younger I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. People always told me I'd make a good teacher or lawyer and so for a while, some of the time, I incorporated those ideas into my own being. The only thing I can actually remember wanting to be myself is a farmer - but I think that was partially rebelling against academics.

I went to university, I got a degree. I wanted a major in history but being the responsible one I knew there was no career in that, so I went with criminology. There are lots of jobs with a crim degree. I graduated, doing most of my degree via distance education. Then I got pregnant. 

I had k, things all changed. Both glassman and I agreed that I should stay home to raise out kids, and soon after, I wanted more kids - lots of kids. Things changed again after we had littleR. Soon I found myself in a position where I needed to go back to work. At first it don't matter what I did. It was going to be a part time, supplementing of income thing. I got a job at a coffee shop, I liked it there but the mangers were crap. I got another job at a local head shop and had no qualms quitting the coffee shop. The head shop soon turned into working at a lab, then in marketing, then as senior bookkeeper, and now back down to marketing. My part time job turned into a full time job out of necessity. I now had to work, we depend on me working. 

So here I am, nearly four years after I re entered the work force and I am again asking myself the question of what I want to be; though not when I grow up because I'm already there. I don't have the luxury of being able to hop from job to job, or take the time to figure out what it is that I want to do for the next 35 years. 

I feel trapped. There are aspects of my new job at my work that I unexpectedly enjoy - like designing labels. But there are many things I don't enjoy. Craftymama keeps telling me to find new work, keep trying things until I find something that makes me happy. 

I need to make a certain hourly wage in order to support us. I can't get that just going anywhere. I have no skills. My degree is now essentially just for bragging rights, it serves no good in the employment field. I have nowhere to start. Worse than that - I have no ideas of what it is I want to be doing. Nothing calls to me, nothing seems right. 

I have worked with the company I'm with now since before it was born, as it has grown - so have I. My boss has helped me out of some really tight spots. I feel a loyalty to them and him, but I know loyalty isn't enough. There is also the familiarity. Learning a whole new job in a whole new field with new people is not a walk in the park, the thought of doing that, especially when I have no transferable skills to bring to the table, is scary. 

I don't know what makes me happy. I don't think I ever really have. I've always lived someone else's dreams or done things out of obligation. Now I find myself facing the rest of my life at nearly 29, and I am completely lost and clueless.

There are three holes in my knee

I went in for surgery on Monday. It was supposed to start at 1:30 but didn't get started until 3:30. It was a very long wait in a very boring waiting room by myself and without my phone - oh my reliance on technology. I get into the operating room and the anesthesiologist is an ass. He talks to me but cuts me off before I finish speaking. He jabs the needle in my arm, literally jabs, several times to get an iv in. Finally he gets it - but ftr I have a big blue and yellow bruise now because of his less then gentle approach. Off to sleep I go - it is the coolest feeling ever, I love trying to fight it and being completely unable to.

I wake up and am instantly wide awake - though apparently I was yelling for craftymama when I first started to come out of it. I have no recollection of this. The pain was immediately there. Something that I hadn't felt in my previous two surgeries. After about half an hour I was wheeled to another area where I waited and ten eventually got myself dressed and then wheeled in a wheelchair out to craftymama. They gave me a prescription for tramadol and for physio and pretty much sent me in my way. I don't even really know what kind of surgery they did. At home I did some research on tramadol and found out it's partially contraindicated with a med I'm on and my history. I call the nurse's line who agrees with my assessment, but says take it for the first day and call my doctor the next. I do that am told by the receptionist that my surgeon is tied up all day but she will call me back the next day. Meanwhile it hurts like a son of a, but I am moving around as much as I  able. She calls back the next morning and says to go to the pharmacy and get t3's, I wait a couple of hours and call the pharmacy to see if they have filled the prescription and they haven't even gotten it yet. I call the office back and she's like "oh yeah, I guess you need a prescription for that, well I don't want to bother the dr so just take extra strength Tylenol ever three hours" ugh!

Then I call the physio department at the hospital to schedule some physio and am told that they don't do knees anymore and neither does the duncan hospital - so I have to go to a private clinic - which I can't afford.

This surgery has sucked. It's been 5 days since I had it an it still hurts so bad. It's insane. The incision sights are like searing sharp pain. This sucks so bad!

Surgery and Homeschool

My surgery date was changed to this Monday, at noon. I had work that I really needed to get done, and now I lose that day - it is very frustrating. This will be the 4th time I have been under general anesthesia. The first was for endometriosis, and the second and third were for my knee.

I am more nervous this time then I was any of the other times. Maybe it's because I'm older now, or maybe it's because I know I can't just recover this time, I still have to go to work and parent the kids. Craftymama has asked how dependent on her I will be, and I am hoping not very much. It is my aim to return to work Thursday, I know I will still be on crutches - but we can't really afford for me to take all that time off.

We are considering homeschooling the kids once they get to the grade school. So keeping them in the waldorf program for preschool and kindergarten, and then having them at home. We would combine curriculum's so K and BigR would be doing the same grade, and M and LittleR would also be doing the same grade. It would be nearly impossible for Andrea to teach four separate yet so closely related curriculum's to them. We would probably follow the waldorf style - perhaps the Christopherus Program. We have talked to quite a few parents in the Sunrise grade school who aren't all that impressed with how things are progressing and being structured. we don't want our kids to be the guinea pigs while they try to find something that works. We're not paying for our kids to be the guinea pigs. We have to decide relatively soon though because re-registration is in like 2 months, and if K and BigR are going to start than we won't be registering them, plus we'd also need to order the homeschooling supplies so that we can plan and organize ourselves a bit. It's a big decision, and not one we are taking at all lightly.

Welcome J and Welcome 2014

So 2013 is over. I haven't updated in a long time for a myriad of reasons, none of which I really want to discuss here.

J was born November 10th at 12:50a. He was 10lbs 10oz and 23" long - a big guy! Nothing went as planned from the water birth to the timing of day - but he is here! He is pretty cute - although already bigger than the girls were at 6months old! He has a night schedule already, including waking up nearly every night/morning at 4:30a because he has gas. Craftymama passes him to me and I scrunch up his legs, roll his hips, pat his back to relieve the pressure and then after however long that takes I pass him back to be nursed back to sleep for hopefully a little while longer before the rest of the kids wake up.

Just newly born

J drunk on sleep

This non gestational parent journey of mine is far from over, in fact, contrary to what I thought, it is only just beginning. I have much respect and adoration for all dads and adoptive parents out there. While my perspective is, of course, different than the aforementioned people, we do share some commonalities. It's a hard road, there is much learning to be done, but I am willing and open.

The kids have adjust remarkably well to his arrival. They all want to hold him and be near him, and so far, at 7.5 weeks, have done well with having to wait a little bit longer for things if he is fussing/nursing or whatever.

Christmas was different this year. Finances were tighter for everyone. Glassman and Cableman are both without work right now for very different reasons, and we have been dealing with an angry neighbor who caused us to have to spend significant funds on a tree in our yard, a small flooding of our bathrooms, my one job refusing to give me an ROE so I can't get EI, and a bunch of different things. The kids had a great time and were spoiled - as usual. It was nice to see the family I did get a chance to see, and I miss the ones I didn't.

New Years was quiet - I was sick, and we have a new baby so neither of us really made it until midnight. Though R was asking why we don't have any traditions for the welcoming of the new year, so we may start something next year.

I'm not in school any more :( I was having a hard time with my depression, but was pushing through that and finally making some head way with the help of my professor when I found out my work didn't pay my tuition which means I was withdrawn from the course. So that sucks.

I was also demoted at work after my parental leave. I was told I was pretty much failing at all aspects of my job - so they brought someone over to fill the administrative role and I will go back to focusing on marketing and what not.

I have my knee surgery on January 14th, it'll be my third one. I also got two teeth pulled on December 24th, between those two things and the two successions I got of the flu a mere two weeks a part - I've been hurting lately.

The stress keeps piling on. There are big changes for our family again this year, but I am not at liberty to discuss them yet. Every year is a year of big changes it seems. It seems at 28 (turning 29 this year) I have to accept that I am an adult now, damn aging!, and make adult decisions. These decisions are hard and will affect my family for the rest of our lives. I wish I could see the future sometimes.