Monday, September 22, 2014

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I think I've used that title before. It seems over the last however many years that I have been keeping this blog that things are constantly changing for my family.

There are no big changes in the immediate future - but there are changes in the future. The problem is - we don't know what they are. We all feel like we are at some sort of cross roads or something in life and we need to figure out where it is exactly we want to be. Craftymama really wants to have some land where she can grow as much of our own food as is possible. Glassman doesn't want to have to work so much or commute quite as far to work. They both want a slower paced kind of life. Glassman wants a puppy, a german shepherd puppy. Craftymama wants chickens. Past those, and a few other specific things, there are no firm desires.

As for me...well...that's another problem in and of itself. I have no idea at all what I want. A part of me honestly wants to live in the city, work a normal 9-5, come home and zone out in front of the TV and not have to work about the chemicals and shit my family ingests. But I know that's not realistic. Another part of thinks it would be neat to live in the middle of nowhere, but I really have no desire to garden or harvest or any of that shit. I think the majority of the last 4 years, for me, has been merely trying to sustain myself with my mental health, that I haven't really given the whole "what do I want to do with my life" question a whole lot of effort. I never anticipated having a future, so I never planned for one. I don't know where to start. I'm don't like trying new things because I feel like I am too old. I don't like doing things Craftymama does because I have sucking at it in comparison to her. I don't have any interests or hobbies, or really anything. It's like trying to find yourself as a teenager all over again, but at the same time you have kids of your own and adult responsibilities to take into consideration. I don't know how to manage it all. I feel trapped.

LittleR and one of her best friends in her class had to be separated because they would only play with each other and were mean to the other kids. The teacher thinks it's nerves of being in a new class/grade. BigR hates homeschooling, but really only because he doesn't want to do any type of schooling and is bored without his siblings. I think he'll come around, and I honestly think it'll be better for him. J WILL NOT SLEEP! I feel so bad for Craftymama because she is the only one who *can* get him to sleep, but he refuses to so there is a lot of tears and unhappiness - on both their parts I think.  I don't get it, if he is so exhausted (which he is), then why not sleep?!?!

I went away for 4 days for work up island, and man I missed my family. It was so weird being away from them. I worked at night and slept for the morning (usually had a nap in the late afternoon), so my whole schedule was thrown off. I watched some episodes about The Duggars, and am inspired by how they do things, and I so wish we could do things like that. They make having so many kids look easy! I also was reminded of how much I hate commercials. Especially the same ones over and over and over again. It was good to come home, though I had to wake Craftymama up when I arrived at 3:00a because I was locked out, and snuggle up to her and then have BigR come and wake me up the next morning and give me a giant hug. The hugs I got from the kids when I did pick up and school that day were huge. I missed them all.

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