Us 3

So I think I have posted before, when the three of us we're together, how we all manage to support each other, and how it's nice to have two people to fall back on..

So today..I got into a car accident. I swear the light was green, but whats done is done. I will now have a ticket for running the red light, the cost of the van, and my insurance will go up. I am so flipping angry at myself. Oh yeah, did I mention we are moving tomorrow?

Craftymama, who I thought would be so overwhelmed with my accident that she would shut down, was immediately supportive and comforting. Glassman, who I thought would be nothing but angry, asked if I was okay - that was the first thing he said. He didn't really care - what happens it happens, "meh" he says.

I am more than surprised at their reactions. They are better people than I, I think I would be upset or angry, and maybe they are but they know the proper response is to not be, because I didn't do it on purpose, it wasn't intentional. But maybe that's what I needed, maybe I needed something crappy to happen to be reminded of how awesome these people I have in my life are. But I didn't think I needed reminding. Maybe I needed reminding that we can still work together in some fashion even though we aren't in a relationship.

It's been so "us" and "him" lately. But really, the three of us still live under the same roof. Still parent together, still function together - so we do still have to operate as a team.

Or maybe I'm reading more into this than I should. Maybe most people are just good, I'm just a crappier person for thinking I'd be angry. I mean, when they joked about getting a speeding ticket - I did have to swallow rage.

IDK...accidents suck. Accidents with cop cars are just cruel..cause really..its a flipping cop car.

A New Space

So our house has enough bedrooms for everyone. I'm decorating the boys' room, Craftymama is doing the girls' room. The bathroom downstairs is being done together. As is the kitchen. Glassman's room is also upstairs. Our dining room is huge and will be a part play area for the kids, and the living room is awesome - but needs some work. But there are these 2.5 other rooms in the house. One room is off the kitchen, almost like an eating nook - its painted an awesome yellow that I love. Then there is like a mini room off that room where the furnace is. The third room is a little room upstairs at the end of the hall with a smaller door and slanted ceilings.

The kids need lots of room to play - we know this. It'd be nice to have a place that was Craftymama and I. To sew, to do school, to paint, to have a space. As much as I REALLY REALLY want that room upstairs, I think it makes the most sense for that to be the kids's main play area. With books and pillows, and playsilks, and softer toys that go with the darkened space. They will also have a play kitchen somewhere as well.

So that leaves the little room downstairs. There are also two sheds out in the garden that could be for the kids too.

Idk..this post is very rambly, but as we approach moving day I'm trying to get a feel of what goes where. I'd like to have an adult space, and I think there is room for it - its just a question of logistics.

Moving day is coming. A house of our own to decorate, and fight over, and do anything we want with. Its exciting - when its not overwhelming.

Pseudo Dad - Redux

So..There is another girl who works in my warehouse now. We shall call her Stonerchic. Stonerchic drives a minivan, has two kids (I think...she has at least one). She drops her kids off at care during the day. She is kinda of hippie, likes to get stoned, and is way beyond super organized. I don't like or dislike her. She is a woman, so I am naturally distrusting. However, the point is there is another mom working here. I asked my coworker, we will call him gingerkid, as opposed to my boss who shall be called EgoScientist. Gingerkid is the one who called me a pseudo dad not too long ago. I asked him if Stonerchic was a pseudo dad as well.

He says: No

Apparently the mere act of working and not taking care of your kids during the day does not make you more a mom than a dad - which is what I thought it meant. He says I am just as much of a mom as stonerchic - *cue inner excitement at not losing my mom status*. I ask what makes me a pseudo dad.

He tells me its because of Craftymama, because of our relationship. Stonerchic is I believe I single mom, but she is no where near a pseudo dad - because she is the mom - there is no other mom.

Now, the rest of this I am inferring. So in his little ginger head, gingerkid believes that homes have moms and dads - and that's that. To be honest - I think its about 60% now have moms and dads - most are divorced, some are same sexed. But that fact that's its historical and still the majority means that anything that falls outside that standardized norm, must somehow be made to fit. So..since the majority of families have a mom and dad who are together...how does my family fit into that. Its easy in our case. Craftymama stays home - I go to work.

It wouldn't matter how many sweaters I knit, or how many meals I slave over, or how many stories I read - to the eyes of most people in society the simple fact that I go to work to support my family makes me the dad. I feel like a failure even with that label because I don't make enough to support our family, we do rely on the men.

So at least now I know its not just because I work that I'm the pseudo dad - its because there is the stay at home parent. Apparently, homes have a mom and a dad and that's it.

I want my kids to grow up believing that families can have many styles and there isn't one normal, one standard. I don't want M one day to tell his coworker that she's a pseudo dad.

Labels hurt - and I didn't really realize it until lately.

Moving

So we are moving in 8 days.

That's crazy.

A house start over in, kind of. Same people - same set up - different location.

I'm hoping it makes things better. I'm hoping once all this buying a house moving business is done with that there will be less stress for all. Maybe it will help everyone chill the fuck out a bit. I don't know. Everyone is on edge.

I haven't had a big part of the packing - mostly because I have been working or otherwise unavailable.

I'm worried about craftymama. She is so strong, and she doesn't realize it. I hope she still thinks this is all worth it. Glassman is going through his own stresses, and we no longer have the type of relationship where he tells me whats up.

The kids are growing and excited for the changes ahead. R keeps talking about all the things he wants to do at the new house. But he has also been claiming that he doesn't want to be a kid anymore. It's mostly because he wants to drive a car, but it pains us all - you don't appreciate being a kid until you aren't one, and nothing we say or do can convince him of this.
K is a lot. She is a diva, and a princess and all the things that come with that. She seems to have difficulties with her own identity. She is doing a lot of copying and needing a lot of physical attention - hugs and what not. I wonder if she is feeling insecure, and I wonder why.
M..well..M has entered 3 with the same speed he was born at. He hit it hard and hasn't stopped. He doesn't do well with chaos, and we all overlook that fact because he is so busy. He needs the physical security that K is craving as well.
LittleR is growing. And its hard for me to let her grow. She is talking more, and its awesome. Craftymama is done with her coming into bed in the morning, but I'm not ready to give that up yet. Those morning nursing and cuddling sessions make me feel more like a mom than anything else I do - I need those moments still. I know they will fade soon, and I know I need to redefine my role as a mom. But I'm grasping at anything I can. I have to find a way to get Craftymama more sleep though. I'll try bringing LittleR to the couch again.

Life goes on and on and on. I now doubt that it will slow down, but maybe soon we will stop having to make giant decisions and we can just exist in our chaos.

I love all of my family, and I want nothing more than for us to find balance and peace.

And a Puppy makes...an owl?

Millie is SO MUCH. We knew she would be - she is a puppy. We each have different experiences with puppies - and none of them come close to the energy and destructive level that Millie possesses. With four kids 5 and under its a lot of work. The kids spend most of the day upstairs because Millie gets all their things. I feel bad for her. She is such a loveable cute giant thing of a puppy. She is quite awesome. But I don't know if its fair to her or to us to keep her. There is a two week trial period that we are on.

Craftymama wonders what giving her back will teach the kids. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that keeping her stresses everyone out, even though the kids love her to pieces - they are only a little afraid of her. I think its better to have tried something and corrected your mistake while you can, rather than keep her out of guilt.

I love millie - she is such an awesome attitude of a stubborn dog. She is super awesome - I just don't think she is right for our home. I think we have made the decision to give her back, and I will cry when it happens and so will the kids, and so will craftymama and I think Glassman likes her a little bit too.

One day we will have an addition to our family that Craftymama and I get together...either a dog or a baby...or maybe an owl...I vote owl. Babies are hard to figure out and have so many complications (but oh how I want one), the dog didn't seem to work out...but come on..owl's are awesome..and they eat mosquitos, and I hate mosquitos.

Two Years

Two years ago tonight Craftymama had a moment that changed both of our lives forever. I had been knitting my mishka (my mother) her Christmas Slippers, and then was balling the most epic ball of yarn ever; it was the size of my head. Craftymama and Glassman were msn'ing. It was a hard time for me. We had just begun our triad/quad. I had had craftymama all to myself for the better part of two years. WE talked on msn every night. Now all of a sudden I had to share that msn time with her.

On top of that I was madly in love with her. My envy of of Glassman's getting to be with here was getting overwhelming. They wanted me to fake it with Cableman, to see if it could work. No one knew how I felt about Craftymama. Each stitch, each purl my level of upset grew. My spirit was breaking. I loved her so much - more than I ever should have at that time. She had told me on a number of (drunken) occasions that she didn't like women in that sense. I had no right feeling like I did.

They finished talking and Glassman asked if I wanted to talk to her. I sat for a minute deciding what I should do. I started that conversation with the outright intent of telling Craftymama that I could support her relationship with Glassman 100% but I couldn't be her friend anymore. I couldn't be that close with her, know about her relationship with Glassman and still be okay with being friends with her. I told her I was devastated at losing her as a friend - but that it had to be done.

It was then, on her end, that something clicked. I cant describe it (though I would encourage Craftymama to write a guest post here about this). She said she loved me, and couldn't stand losing me. Within 2 minutes of this revelation we were going for a walk.

I will never forget seeing her across the intersection and how nervous I was. I wondered if I looked okay, if I would cry, or if I would hold her hand. I didn't do any of those things. I don't think we talked about much. I think we just needed that time for the knowledge of our love for each other to just exist between us. To feel it connect for the first time. It was magic.

The night of November 16th changed everything. I have often wondered what would have happened if I didn't push Craftymama to realize how she felt. I wonder where would we all be. Would I still be with Glassman and would we have another baby? Would she still be with Cableman and would she have had another baby? Would we have been pregnant together? Would our kids be going to a waldorf school still?

So many what ifs. And yet - it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because I am with her. She has been with me for the last two years and her support has never waivered. She loves me unconditionally and makes me feel beautiful. She challenges me. She is the single most perfect woman in the world for me - and every day I wonder how I got so lucky. I love her with every piece of myself. She is funny, and kind, and nurturing, and creative, and sexy and a thousand other adjectives.

I could talk forever about her.

Point is - Its been two years now since we became an official couple. November 16th 2009 is one of the most pivotal and important days of my life.

And Indeed..a Puppy Made something

We picked up our puppy today. Her name is Millie (named after the street that Craftymama's dream home is on). She is a cute little brownie-black husky/shepherd cross like thing. Quite cute.

I'm trying to get attached - which is weird. I'm trying to find my place with her. Right now Im at work while she is introduced to the kids and our neighbourhood. I know I will have very little to do with her day to day care. Maybe that's my hang up on everything. Because I'm not the lead, or the head, or the top of something - I naturally feel left out, and so I don't know what road or avenue to take in my relationships with any of those things (house, school, work..etc). So my default is to not want to be involved at all. I dont have a defined role - and dont have the enery or care to create one. I dont know.

Im excited about Millie, I do like dogs. They are fun and energetic and full of life. Maybe things will be different. Maybe I need to give it an chance with my arms and heart open...

Cableman thinks we are stupid for getting a dog while we are moving - I dont disagree..but he is SO not the one to be lecturing on stupid life mistakes. Getting a dog is far less stupid than some of the things he is doing. Glassman..well..he is neutral - as always.

R is apparently apprehensive. K loves her and I'm told the feeling is mutual, and M is cautious. No word on LittleR yet.

I want coffee. I need some spunk today...so maybe..if only for today..a puppy makes coffee appear lol

And a Puppy makes...?

So its no secret to anyone that knows me that I've always wanted a dog. Since high school, where my mentor had 2-3 Malamutes, I was hooked. I wanted a malamute. They are giant, and gentle, and big, and smart and just wonderful creatures. I am awed by them. Craftymama has also always wanted a dog - her goals, as always, were more familial: she wanted Golden Retriever. So..we want a dog.

Glassman, on the other hand, is quite anti-dog, and R is scared of dogs generally. So..do we get a dog? On the one hand this seems like the worst time to get a dog - we are buying a house and moving after all. On the other hand, with my depression, Andrea leaving her green house, no sign of a baby anywhere in the future, and general life stresses it sure would be nice to have something happy, something to look forward to in a way.

We went and looked at this 5yr old Malamute at the local SPCA. I fell in love. She was a big gentle giant. The downside is that she comes with all her adult dog quirks, and wasn't raised around kids - though seems fine with them. We also went and saw a husky/shepherd cross puppy. He was adorable! It'd be awesome to have a dog right from puppy hood. But, a puppy requires immediate training - she nips after all.

So do we get one of these dogs? If so..which one?

And then there is glassman - who simply doesn't want a dog. He doesn't even take responsibility for the pets he wanted/payed for. Technically he is choosing to live with us at Wharncliffe, so we are free to get a dog. On the other hand, we do need to (do we?) need to take his needs into consideration. So Idk..

And then there is the whole thing of wanting something that I feel is mine - and with working full time, and commuting to Nanaimo for work - the dog wont be mine, no matter what it is. But that's a whole separate issue...

So..a dog..a puppy..a canine of some sort may be in our future. I am nervously optimistic that this is a good thing.

Introspection

Halloween came and Halloween went. The kids dressed up in hand me down handmade costumes and all was fine and good.

It was weird trick or treating. Last year when the 8 of us went: me, craftymama, glassman, cableman, R, K, M, and LittleR we travelled around to the grandparents house and showed them off. The year before that life had exploded but we had our first holiday together - we walked a cool street close to our house. This year, we walked that cool street again. It was like venturing back in time. I kept having flashbacks outside houses of what happened two years ago.

In front of one house I had had to hold back tears as glassman and craftymama brought the kids up to the door together - I kept thinking about the energy that must be between them as they were alone for those brief moments and how I so longed for that with Craftymama myself.

In front of another house I remember going up with Cableman with the kids and realizing how awkward we were around each other and wondering if that would ever stop.

And in front of another house I remembered almost passing out because I really was that sick. I ended up having swine flu and literally thought I was going to die. Its quite funny now - but it was serious business then.

Two years later craftymama and I have a spark between us, a comfortable permanent spark. Glassman and I will always have that history that something that makes us connect - that will never go away. I miss the deeper spark at times, but the little spark is confusing. And cableman and I are still awkward around each other.

Two years.

Little has changed. Everything is different.