Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Happy Anniversary

Today is February 25th 2015. It`s been one year (+ a day) since I was released from the hospital. So it has been a year since I have last been hospitalized. It`s been exactly one year since I was fired from my job, being told to `get my shit together', which catapulted into us having to foreclose on the house and move.

In one year I have moved twice.

In one year I have had 5 different jobs. A cleaner, two coffee shops, a transfer attendant, and now a wholesale accounts manager.

In one year I have gone through numerous ups and downs. Near hospitalizations, crisis', ECT, new drugs, and some self help steps.

I, personally, and my family have come a long way in one year.

We are in a place that we absolutely love. The land we are on is gorgeous, and I can't believe we get to live on it. The house itself is perfect for us, and just has so many quirks and charms - though the wasps nest in our wall is free to go any time it wants to!

I am working at a place where I actually feel valued and where I am doing a good job. Also, going through all those jobs this past year led me to what my passion is and what I want to make a career out of.

I still harbour feelings over the job I was fired from, and I need to deal with those. I still have many fears and anxieties that the depression that I have overcome will come roaring back at a moment's notice. I still deal with many issues of being borderline and bipolar - but I'm here - and thriving.

I leave for my 10 day vipassana meditation course next week. I have been looking forward to doing that for months now. I am trying to get into running and not hating myself when I don't or can't run for whatever reason. I would like to get back into Bikram yoga. I would also like to find some hobbies. I need some skills to deal with my extreme emotions, but I know that now - which is a step in the right direction.

My kids are growing, and our family is changing. We are realizing what is working for us in terms of schooling and education - rather than just surviving because that's all we have the energy for. We are picking our financial selves up and working towards the future.

Things are not perfect. But so many things are better than they were a year ago.

I survived the last year - and for that, I am happy.

Friday, February 13, 2015

I Learned

I did an experiment this week. I had read an article where a mom allowed her toddler to pick out her clothes for a week, and for some reason it really inspired me. We, as parents, are constantly telling kids what to do, what they can and can't wear (No you cannot wear a tank top on christmas day!), so why not switch roles and let them pick out some clothes. I gave each of them one day and let them pick whatever they wanted for me. I promised I would wear it whatever it was. 

Day 1

BigR picked out thick fleece PJ pants, a men's grey long sleeved shirt and a long light grey cardigan/jacket. This is very him. Recently we have been having tiffs because he has been wearing his PJ pants out in public under his jeans and then wearing them to bed, and repeating for days on end. I am assuming this was his mini rebellion as I was now wearing PJ pants during the day. He was quick to remind me that I couldn't wear them to bed that night. 

Day 2

K picked out flowing capri fairy pants, a grey tank top, a light brown long sleeve shirt, a royal purple sweater, a bright red jacket (that I wasn't allowed to zip up) and an ear warmer/head band. It wasn't too bad except for the royal purple and the red together - they didn't really work. K is very into fashion and creating layers so even though you couldn't see all 4 of my top layers, just knowing they were there was enough for her. My top was warm and my bottom was cold. 

Day 3

M didn't want to pick out my clothes. He gets very overwhelmed when it comes to decisions and usually will avoid making them if need be. 

Day 4

This was LittleR. We have grey dress paints, an orangey/yellow skirt, a bright red long sleeved shirt, a striped grey/black sweater, and a purple and blue hat. Given that she is the most weird and random of the bunch this outfit does not surprise me. It was the only one I was slightly self conscious about going in public in. It's very loud, what with the orange skirt, ad very much does not match. 

What I learned from this is that the kids all did things and picked clothes that suited their personalities and where they are in life. They all said, those who participated, that they had fun with this and would like to do it again. I learned it's okay to let go of a little bit of control over the things tat don't matter. Who cares if I don't match, or wear orange read, or an ear warmer when I don't need to. I didn't get near as many looks as I thought I would while walking to work, and my co-workers loved seeing my outfits each day. Maybe I'll do this again some day when J can participate. 

We are trying to get things in order. Paying bills that have to be paid, getting assistance with one's that can wait a bit. We are all having to be adults here; sort of. Glassman has always struggled when it comes to finding work, he has always had work fall in his lap or someone get the job for him - lucky bastard! This time, however, no one was doing that, and he wasn't doing all that much to help himself either. So we al sat down one night and had a not so fun argument about money and bills and jobs and responsibilities. There were hurt feelings, and some anger. But what came out of it was Glassman applying for a job, and him actually getting it the next day. It's a siding job, so it's not something that he has really dome before, and it's in Victoria but at least, for the time being, he is employed again. Thank goodness! I was looking at having to get a part time job in order to supplement income and there was no part of me that was looking forward to that. 

I also want to mention that I have been thinking a lot about my niece lately. She was found to have only one functioning kidney - though the other is ridiculously strong and has compensated. They are determining what type of surgery to do and then they will remove it. I can't imagine how hard this must be for my sister, or for my niece who has much strength as she never expressed anything past a little discomfort through this whole thing.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

So that sucks

So...glassman's job in Nanaimo had to lay him off a few weeks back due to lack of work. We were bummed. But then he got this job at a local glazing place. Yay same wages and saving on gas. Everything was going well. Or so we thought. Last week he got laid off again due to lack of work.

Now what the F*** do we do?

I don't make enough to support the whole family every month, it's just not feasible. He needs a job, and preferably one not in glazing where there seems to be yearly lay offs and not enough work to go around. I understand that at 29 when you only have one skill and need to have a job that can actually support a family it's hard to know what to do, and virtually nothing out there. Glassman is going on EI and that will help, and he is hoping to find a job that at the minimum pays what he needs to make in order for us to cover our bills. He has applied at a few places but he isn't the best people person, he admits it himself, so I know this will be a difficult process for him.

Of course this happens like our second month into bankruptcy and right before a bankruptcy payment is due. Did you know there is a monthly fee when you file bankruptcy? Cause that's fun...hey I have no money to pay my bills but here is some money for you.... Really, though, it wasn't that hard when glassman was working, we have extra, or we should have but we are still playing catchup on the bills we didn't file bankruptcy on. It's funny, we had to go to this counselling session and in it she was like "make a grocery list and meal plan"...Uhhh...duh...we have 8 people in the house I HAVE to do that. Have budgets for things you do, like coffee, we already do that. Don't buy new computers and things. All our furniture is second hand, our computer was given to us second hand, our clothes are second hand. I shop well and I shop sales. I know what I'm doing. When we filed we didn't even have a ton of credit cards. We had one, which, frankly, we stopped paying when we knew this was coming because what was the point in paying it. What caused this was a house we were mislead on that came crashing down around us at the same time I lost my job due to my mental health. It was honestly the house that did us in. Yes I have learned things from the experience, but at the same time, we didn't make drastic every day mistakes to get here.

Going through this made me realize that we don't know people's circumstances. I know there are people out there who know that I have filed for bankruptcy and think what a horribly irresponsible person I am. When that wasn't the case. I know there are people out there who judge me, and the 3 of us without asking questions or clarification on something they don't understand; whether it be poly or mental illness. People make assumptions, we judge other people. I am SO guilty of that, but I am realizing how detrimental it can be, and how hurtful it can be. Plus, I am learning what a waste of time and energy it is to judge other people. But it's a habit, and a hard one to break.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Coming out to the kids

You know, when we were all in this thing together before, the kids were much younger, even though it doesn't seem like that long ago. They didn't ask a lot of questions, they didn't really notice. But now they do. I have been wondering lately if we need to come out, in not so many words, to the kids and tell them what's going on. I don't want them to think of themselves as freaks, or get the wrong impression via making assumptions about things they see or do not see, but at the same time I don't want to put things in their heads that aren't there yet. Even if we did decide to tell them, or some of them, I have no idea what it would look like, or what we would say.

At the end of the day, it all seems normal to us adults. Perhaps, to kids growing up with it, it's all normal to them too. But there have been questions, and we have answered them honestly, but I wonder if that's all we need to do for now; just answer the questions they ask openly and honestly. If we make a big deal or a thing out of then they are more likely to make a thing out of it - and it doesn't need to be because it isn't.

On a completely unrelated note - the topic of school, that is the kids' school, keeps coming up. So that may be changing, but to what...who knows...there are ideals, but ideals never become reality, we have to work with what we have available and make the best choice with our given options..

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Meditation and Yoga and Health

I've been in a good place for the last 6 or so weeks. It's been wonderful. I have not taken a moment of it for granted, because I can still (and probably will always be able to) remember how awful and full on depression, suicidal, episode feels like. It's awful - for me and for my family. I have enjoyed not being so stressed, and so worried, and so sad, and so without motivation or drive for anything. But I can feel it thinking about wanting to come back, and I am trying to take steps to prevent that from happening.

There was that Vipassana Meditation Course I was going to go to at the end of January. For financial reasons, it just didn't work out, so I have signed up for another one at the beginning of March. I am on the waitlist, but I am spot #1 so I am pretty sure I am going to get it.

Craftymama suggested I try yoga, as I had said before that might help, but again for financial and time reasons I am hesitating. I know the potential cost (both financial and otherwise) of entering a depression again, but I also know how much money we have right now, and how much we need it for other things - so it's a balancing act that I don't know how to solve yet. I am working on it though, as quickly as I possibly can.

LittleR and J have the chicken pox. It took like two weeks to pass from K onto them and so far the older boys are still pox free. A baby with the pox is awful. He is so uncomfortable and screamy all the time. Very little sleep is being had for Craftymama and I. LittleR has mostly been tired and sleeping at random intervals, but today she has ventured back into her weird stubbornness so I think she is beginning to feel better.

Glassman was forced to take some time off from his shop in Nanaimo due to a lack of work, so he found some work for a local company for the next couple of weeks. He is enjoying not having the hour long commute twice a day, and I am enjoying the savings on gas! I'm unsure if it will turn into a full time permanent thing, no one is sure. But it's fantastic that he was able to find some work here while the shop in Nanaimo is without any.

Craftymama is also teaching handwork classes to a group of kids on Thursday evenings. This means Glassman and I are alone with all the kids for dinner and bedtime. It's gone quite well thus far. Everyone was happy, and the kid whose turn it was for bathing was bathed, even J fell asleep on my back while I was doing dishes. Craftymama came home to 5 sleeping children and a clean house - what's better than that!?

Wednesday, January 7, 2015


So it's no stranger to anyone reading my blog, or to anyone that knows me that my family and I, and my family and Craftymama haven't really been getting along over the last 5 years. 5 years - that's how long I've been with Craftymama, and there is still drama and discontent.

Even SisterN, who we get along with and are good with now, was not supportive of us in the beginning and called us a bunch of insulting names. But we worked through that, and while I don't think that SisterN has ever apologized for those hurtful words she said, she has shown through her actions and her participation in our family that she is supportive of us. If she isn't, she hides it well, and that's fine with me too.

Then there is my mom, who has gone back and forth and which has been well documented on this blog and a variety of other places. I recognize that she is trying, and I am trying, and craftymama is trying. She came over to our house for Christmas, and we welcomed her into our house. We harboured no ill will towards her and I'm trying to start from scratch. I want to work things out with my mom. I want craftymama and my mom to get along with each other and not just tolerate each other when they are in the same room.

And my SisterE. You know, maybe it's the ECT, maybe it's the amount of time that has passed, but I honestly can't remember what has happened that has caused this huge rift between us. I know she doesn't like craftymama, I know she doesn't approve of my lifestyle - which is fine, there are a lot of people who don't. But there continues to be this distance. SisterE and I can talk to each other just fine, and we do, but not about family or anything because it leads to arguments. I don't like that. I don't like withholding pieces of my life from my family.

I just want to shove every body in a big room and have every one scream it out  until we all just get along. I don't even need everyone to be friends. I would like to have a big family get together one day with all my nieces and nephews, my sisters, my mom and my family and just be able to happily enjoy each others company.

I don't know where I went wrong, or what I have done. But I feel like I am at the vortex of all this strife. There doesn't appear to be anything I can do to help make things better, all I can do is not get involved as best I can. But in doing so I miss out on a lot, and a lot goes unsaid.

This makes me sad.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Little Snippets

The holidays were here and now they are gone. Christmas was wonderful. We read our story, went out for last minute things we forgot, had a fire, opened presents one by one, went for a big family walk - all in all it was a good calm day. As calm as Christmas day can be with 9 people in the house. Even dinner went well. Everything was cooked nicely and tasted good.

Boxing day was hectic. We had all the grand parents over and the kids were just psychotic and there was so much stuff and it was just so loud. Even I, the people person, the social person, was overwhelmed by the end of it so I have no idea how the non social people handled it. It was nice to visit with and see everybody that we don't get to see often though.

Then I went away for 4 days for work and came back in time to get ready for the New Years Eve gathering we were having. We had some friends over with their kids. Had appy's, mulled wine, sparklers and good conversation. The kids ran around and jumped on everything. It was more fun that I expected it to be, and a better tradition that I normally have of fighting with everyone.

Craftymama told us her resolutions, which are not mine to share. I have goals not resolutions. A big goal of mine, like everyone, is to get in shape. Over the past 10 months I have lost about 45lbs, I want to lose another 50. I want to run the westwood lake 6k and polar bear swim next near years day. I think I can accomplish this. With working it will be hard to find time to exercise which I really need to do, so I would like to get a treadmill. But that's a lofty dream.

1 month of bankruptcy is done...only 8 more to track receipts for. It's annoying to have to keep receipts for everything. Our problem was not that we spent our money frivolously, our problem was tat damn house. But whatever, 1 down - 8 to go.

BigR has been having some issues acting out lately. He has been caught stealing and breaking windows on the property so he will be doing some work around the farm for our landlord and we will be fixing those windows - thank goodness glassman is a glazier. I wish I knew how to help him deal with whatever it is he is dealing with. he is just so moody and dark and downright rude sometimes. I know kids grow up and change, but BigR was the sweetest of the bunch. I hope he grows out of this stage soon.

I will also update people on relationships. This blog started out as a Poly blog - and it looks like we will be heading that way again. Glassman has lived with us officially since June I believe, and things have just grown naturally and progressed with the three of us. We aren't using labels, and we are taking things much slower than we did in the past. We are also communicating a lot better than we did before. I think its the maturity thing - we have all matured so much in the last few years. It's nice, and these two people are my family. No matter what happens they are part of my family forever.