Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Coming out to the kids

You know, when we were all in this thing together before, the kids were much younger, even though it doesn't seem like that long ago. They didn't ask a lot of questions, they didn't really notice. But now they do. I have been wondering lately if we need to come out, in not so many words, to the kids and tell them what's going on. I don't want them to think of themselves as freaks, or get the wrong impression via making assumptions about things they see or do not see, but at the same time I don't want to put things in their heads that aren't there yet. Even if we did decide to tell them, or some of them, I have no idea what it would look like, or what we would say.

At the end of the day, it all seems normal to us adults. Perhaps, to kids growing up with it, it's all normal to them too. But there have been questions, and we have answered them honestly, but I wonder if that's all we need to do for now; just answer the questions they ask openly and honestly. If we make a big deal or a thing out of then they are more likely to make a thing out of it - and it doesn't need to be because it isn't.

On a completely unrelated note - the topic of school, that is the kids' school, keeps coming up. So that may be changing, but to what...who knows...there are ideals, but ideals never become reality, we have to work with what we have available and make the best choice with our given options..

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Meditation and Yoga and Health

I've been in a good place for the last 6 or so weeks. It's been wonderful. I have not taken a moment of it for granted, because I can still (and probably will always be able to) remember how awful and full on depression, suicidal, episode feels like. It's awful - for me and for my family. I have enjoyed not being so stressed, and so worried, and so sad, and so without motivation or drive for anything. But I can feel it thinking about wanting to come back, and I am trying to take steps to prevent that from happening.

There was that Vipassana Meditation Course I was going to go to at the end of January. For financial reasons, it just didn't work out, so I have signed up for another one at the beginning of March. I am on the waitlist, but I am spot #1 so I am pretty sure I am going to get it.

Craftymama suggested I try yoga, as I had said before that might help, but again for financial and time reasons I am hesitating. I know the potential cost (both financial and otherwise) of entering a depression again, but I also know how much money we have right now, and how much we need it for other things - so it's a balancing act that I don't know how to solve yet. I am working on it though, as quickly as I possibly can.

LittleR and J have the chicken pox. It took like two weeks to pass from K onto them and so far the older boys are still pox free. A baby with the pox is awful. He is so uncomfortable and screamy all the time. Very little sleep is being had for Craftymama and I. LittleR has mostly been tired and sleeping at random intervals, but today she has ventured back into her weird stubbornness so I think she is beginning to feel better.

Glassman was forced to take some time off from his shop in Nanaimo due to a lack of work, so he found some work for a local company for the next couple of weeks. He is enjoying not having the hour long commute twice a day, and I am enjoying the savings on gas! I'm unsure if it will turn into a full time permanent thing, no one is sure. But it's fantastic that he was able to find some work here while the shop in Nanaimo is without any.

Craftymama is also teaching handwork classes to a group of kids on Thursday evenings. This means Glassman and I are alone with all the kids for dinner and bedtime. It's gone quite well thus far. Everyone was happy, and the kid whose turn it was for bathing was bathed, even J fell asleep on my back while I was doing dishes. Craftymama came home to 5 sleeping children and a clean house - what's better than that!?

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Forlorn

So it's no stranger to anyone reading my blog, or to anyone that knows me that my family and I, and my family and Craftymama haven't really been getting along over the last 5 years. 5 years - that's how long I've been with Craftymama, and there is still drama and discontent.

Even SisterN, who we get along with and are good with now, was not supportive of us in the beginning and called us a bunch of insulting names. But we worked through that, and while I don't think that SisterN has ever apologized for those hurtful words she said, she has shown through her actions and her participation in our family that she is supportive of us. If she isn't, she hides it well, and that's fine with me too.

Then there is my mom, who has gone back and forth and which has been well documented on this blog and a variety of other places. I recognize that she is trying, and I am trying, and craftymama is trying. She came over to our house for Christmas, and we welcomed her into our house. We harboured no ill will towards her and I'm trying to start from scratch. I want to work things out with my mom. I want craftymama and my mom to get along with each other and not just tolerate each other when they are in the same room.

And my SisterE. You know, maybe it's the ECT, maybe it's the amount of time that has passed, but I honestly can't remember what has happened that has caused this huge rift between us. I know she doesn't like craftymama, I know she doesn't approve of my lifestyle - which is fine, there are a lot of people who don't. But there continues to be this distance. SisterE and I can talk to each other just fine, and we do, but not about family or anything because it leads to arguments. I don't like that. I don't like withholding pieces of my life from my family.

I just want to shove every body in a big room and have every one scream it out  until we all just get along. I don't even need everyone to be friends. I would like to have a big family get together one day with all my nieces and nephews, my sisters, my mom and my family and just be able to happily enjoy each others company.

I don't know where I went wrong, or what I have done. But I feel like I am at the vortex of all this strife. There doesn't appear to be anything I can do to help make things better, all I can do is not get involved as best I can. But in doing so I miss out on a lot, and a lot goes unsaid.

This makes me sad.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Little Snippets

The holidays were here and now they are gone. Christmas was wonderful. We read our story, went out for last minute things we forgot, had a fire, opened presents one by one, went for a big family walk - all in all it was a good calm day. As calm as Christmas day can be with 9 people in the house. Even dinner went well. Everything was cooked nicely and tasted good.

Boxing day was hectic. We had all the grand parents over and the kids were just psychotic and there was so much stuff and it was just so loud. Even I, the people person, the social person, was overwhelmed by the end of it so I have no idea how the non social people handled it. It was nice to visit with and see everybody that we don't get to see often though.

Then I went away for 4 days for work and came back in time to get ready for the New Years Eve gathering we were having. We had some friends over with their kids. Had appy's, mulled wine, sparklers and good conversation. The kids ran around and jumped on everything. It was more fun that I expected it to be, and a better tradition that I normally have of fighting with everyone.

Craftymama told us her resolutions, which are not mine to share. I have goals not resolutions. A big goal of mine, like everyone, is to get in shape. Over the past 10 months I have lost about 45lbs, I want to lose another 50. I want to run the westwood lake 6k and polar bear swim next near years day. I think I can accomplish this. With working it will be hard to find time to exercise which I really need to do, so I would like to get a treadmill. But that's a lofty dream.

1 month of bankruptcy is done...only 8 more to track receipts for. It's annoying to have to keep receipts for everything. Our problem was not that we spent our money frivolously, our problem was tat damn house. But whatever, 1 down - 8 to go.

BigR has been having some issues acting out lately. He has been caught stealing and breaking windows on the property so he will be doing some work around the farm for our landlord and we will be fixing those windows - thank goodness glassman is a glazier. I wish I knew how to help him deal with whatever it is he is dealing with. he is just so moody and dark and downright rude sometimes. I know kids grow up and change, but BigR was the sweetest of the bunch. I hope he grows out of this stage soon.

I will also update people on relationships. This blog started out as a Poly blog - and it looks like we will be heading that way again. Glassman has lived with us officially since June I believe, and things have just grown naturally and progressed with the three of us. We aren't using labels, and we are taking things much slower than we did in the past. We are also communicating a lot better than we did before. I think its the maturity thing - we have all matured so much in the last few years. It's nice, and these two people are my family. No matter what happens they are part of my family forever.


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Chickens

There are chickens in my future.

I can't tell you how many, and I can't tell you when, but I can tell you that they are coming. Craftymama is wearing me down - slowly. It helps that I saw some chickens that I fell in love with. Is THIS not the most awesome chicken you have every seen. They are called Silkies. They  have black skin, come in array of colours, have 5 toes (instead of the usual 4) and lay about 3-4 eggs for week - so not very many. They are also very broody - which means they want to mother all the things. It's a weird chicken. I fell in love with how weird it is and looks. I made a deal that with Craftymama that I would consider allowing her to get chickens if there was at least one silkie in the mix somewhere. I wonder if I can train it to sit on my shoulder...


Craftymama wants to do them free range, literally, so they would have no fences or anything around them. Apparently chickens don't go that far from their coop because they get lost too easily. I am concerned for wild animals. We do live on 115acres. I am sure there is wildlife present that would just love a delicious meal of fresh chicken. I would hate to be constantly replacing them if they kept being eaten.

Then there is the problem of what we do with them after the age of like 4 when they stop laying. Chickens can live for quite some time I learned, and if they aren't laying, then you are just paying for a pet. So one has to determine if you want to keep them as a pet or not. If not, then what. The usual method is to kill them. Craftymama said she couldn't do it, I doubt glassman would, but I am of the belief that it's partly your responsibility if you own the chicken and have decided to kill it because it's of no use to you any longer than you should respect it and it's life enough to do it yourself. So, I think the task would fall to me. I'm not sure if I am up for that, it's something to think on.

Also, if we move we may have to take them with us, so there would be the issue of where to put them if we moved into the city. We lucked out with the awesome house and property we are on now, and I don't think we'll find something like this again, so the likelihood of having ample space for chickens in a new house is low. I'd like to stay in our house for the 6 months our lease is, and then if our landlord agrees to et us stay here longer, then get chickens. I'm concerned we will ave to move after 6 months and thus don't want to do anything too permanent.

Regardless, I feel at some point in the future craftymama will get her chickens that she has been asking for for about 3 years I think. I will get eggs, which I have been missing since summer when our CSA ended, and then, maybe, everyone will be happy.



Also - craftymama has been begging for goats.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Finding a Balance

This is my 4th week back at work full time. In the grand scheme of jobs it's a really good job. It pays well, they provide awesome coffee in the kitchen in the office, they do lunch for everyone every Thursday; it's just a good place to work. It's not my dream career, working in a funeral home is, but you know it's not bad. 

However, finding a balance is hard. I find the transition from work to home really hard. The 15 minute drive home just isn't enough or isn't the right thing to help make that more smooth. At work, I'm in an office by myself. I'm constantly answering phones, talking to people, checking my email in between phone calls and conferring with other staff about shipping or prices or some other thing. It's busy, and my mind is always working and thinking but it's quiet. At home - it's chaos. There is't the same kind of thinking at home. There are 5 of them and when I get home at least one of them is cranky, and one of them is off the wall insane/energetic. Craftymama is tired - rightly so, and everyone is hungry as it's nearly dinner time. 

I don't know how to come into my own house where expectations of me are completely different without losing my cool a bit. I lose my patience with the kids quicker than I have a right to, I take my frustration with myself at being unable to cope out on Craftymama and Glassman when he gets home shortly after me. 

I want to be able to come home in the evenings and listen to what my kids did that day and not be thinking about work or the 50 things I have to do at home that night. I want to be able to read them stories and not wonder when the book will be over. I want to be present with them in a meaningful way. I don't know how to do it. 

I wonder if I knew how to do it when I was working before, or if I was at least better at it. Maybe I wasn't. I don't remember. I don't know if this is something I have aways struggled with and always wanted to fix - but I know it's something I want to fix now. We are all entitled to our bad days - but I have no right or desire to make every evening with my kids bad because I can't handle change. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Christmas is Coming

So the holidays are upon us once more. We have many activities going on. There are gold and silver advent stars appearing on our kitchen ceiling every night. There is an advent wreath with a new candle every sunday. There is the advent calendar with a different fun activity every day for the kids to do. It's a lot of things. There is is Christmas itself. We try to do a low key Christmas at our house. Santa normally brings one gift each for the kids, plus a toy for them all, and their stockings. They are also spoiled by the grandparents.

Then on boxing day we usually have an open house style things at our house. With three parents living under one roof there are a lot of people who wants visits and it simply isn't fair to do some and not all so we have the open house and invite them all over at any point in the day. This is how it has always been. It works. Some years we don't get to see certain grandparents, but we try. With all 8 of our hectic schedules (and it could be worse if the kids were in extra curricular activities) it's hard to find the free time to get to go any places to visit. We do rely on people coming to us. Maybe that's a cop out, but that's how it is.

So we told all the grandparents about this, more reminded them as we figured they all knew. And I heard back from my mom. I was so disappointed. She treated me so curtly, and informally. She thanked me for the "kind invite", didn't know "if that would work" for her, would have to "think on it awhile and let [me] know." It was just so cold sounding. Like it was an automated response. What we're doing shouldn't come as a surprise. We always do this. Plus I'm excited for the first time in 4 years to show people where we live - it's a gorgeous house. I'm sad my mom probably won't come.

I keep trying for a relationship with her, but she doesn't seem to be trying back. I won't give up entirely though. I will not be the one to do that. I will not have myself looking back on my life one day and wishing I had made more effort to connect with my mother. I won't have that on my conscience.

In other news.....

I got a raise at my job - yay! And my own office, and a headset phone - it's like I'm special or something.