Monday, April 11, 2016

Let the ashes fall, forget about me

My new job is going great! I'm loving what I do. So far I haven't been able to actually do very much but I have watched pacemakers be removed, the preparation of bodies for viewing, I've done transfers from the hospital, listened in on arrangements and pre arrangements and done a lot of reading on regulations and laws and all things that govern death. It feels valuable, and it feels amazing to be part of it. I work with good people too. All of them, save for one, are quite a bit older than me - I had to show one person how to open a jpeg file. But we get along well and there have been many laughs. The manager of the homes is a guy my age and he is proving fun to work with as well. We get along, and we have a lot in common. We clicked right away and I am finding mysef quite comfortable with him. I think we will be great friends.

I had a bit of a falling out with my mother, surprise surprise. I had messaged her asking if she had plans for aspecific day as me and the family were going to come down to Coombs and Qualicum to see her and go to the beach and hit up the market. She immediately chastised me for not ever phoning her, though she never calls me either. Stuff was said and I was hurt so I stopped responding as I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to. Fast forward like 2 weeks and I get a text out of nowhere saying she wants to see me and the girls and she won't take any conditions or beg. I told her she didn't have to beg but she couldn't exclude my family. It's been nearly 7 years, they boys, Craftymama, they are my family whether she wants to accept it or not. I tod her she had no right to say the things she has said to me as she does not know me at all anymore. I told her I would always love her and want a relationship with her but I would not do it while she treated me and my family like she has been. I am sad. I love my mother, and we were once very close - inseparable. But clearly her accepting my family has been an act, and she doesn't really think of the boys as her grandkids. She has shown she does not wish to know me or my life unless it is on her terms only. When we can meet in the middle - then we will be able to have a true meaningful relationship.

Things have never been better and never been worse in terms of the open relationship aspect of my life. I have gone on a total of 3 dates - the most recent guy ended up being a douche and told me that my kids were too much baggage. I actually get that a lof from men. Oh well. I'm not doing too well at the online dating thing, and it's actually getting to me. I want to meet someone who I click with and go on more than one date with. Craftymama on the other hand has met a woman who she clicked with immediately. They have been out several times and she has said there is the real potential for serious feelings. This was hard for me at first as I thought we had said no serious relationships, but you can't really control how feelings develope. I either feel completely fine with being open and like mine and craftymam's relationship can handle anything or I feel the complete opposite and like I can't get a grip on my emotions at all. They get very overwhelming sometimes - yes I have done the ugly screaming crying by myself in the van. Speaking truthfully, I don't think I could handle craftymama having more than one relationship, so we are holding things here for now. I need some time to adjust and get a grip on myself. Craftymama says she is learning a lot about herself and what makes her happy through this process. I am learning a lot about myself as well, but not through dating other people (as that has not worked for me sigh) but through having to work through my extreme emotions and come out a rational human being - I am not always successful. Craftymama has been amazingly supportive and wants to help me where she can which is wonderful. I hope I meet someone one day, because right now I kind of feel lonely and like she gets to have all the fun while I do all the personal work.

I realized through this process that what I was really after or wanted from being non-monogamous was polyfidelity. I wanted a committed closed relationship between multiple people, but I think I would still be okay with having just fun hookup options on the side. This having my wife in a potentially serious relationship with someone else was not what I wanted, but it is not necessarily a bad thing, I just have to get to a different mindset, which is what I am working on.

The kids are good. BigR has been having issues at Maple Hill and its proving to not be the right fit for him at this time so we are finding some childcare for him for the rest of this second short term program that is being run. K wants to join Scouts next year as they go on more camping trips than brownies does. M has started a cooking class and it is totally up his alley and he is loving it! He has always said his favourite thing is eating - ha ha.


Thursday, March 10, 2016

You Are Made of the Seas and the Stars

It's been another month - I know. I'm awful at this lately. There is just so much going on that it's hard to find the time or the drive to sit down in front of the computer at the end of the day. I spend 8.5 hours of my day staring at not one but two computer screens, and I know we usually watch Netflix at night (which is another screen) but it's different when you can sit and relax and zone out.

However, that staring at a screen for the whole day thing is about to change. I start a new job on the 21st! I was hired to be an funeral director apprentice! Assuming all goes well, and I don't see why it wouldn't, I will start trade school in September. This is what I have been thinking my dream career is for quite some time now. It's something that I really want to do and I really feel passionate about. I just love the whole process and feel honoured to assist people during those extremely difficult moments of their lives. I was hired at a funeral home that has locations in both Ladysmith and Nanaimo, I will primarily be working in Ladysmith - which while still a commute, is a lot less than driving to Duncan every day. I feel kind of conflicted. My job at Country Chic Paint has been amazing. They have treated me fantastically, they are wonderful people, and I consider some of them to be my good friends. I am going to be very sad to leave them. It's also a pay cut, quite a pay cut, so I am nervous about finances as well. But I have to take this risk. If this is what I think I want to do, I have to do it, otherwise I will regret it every single day. If it ends up not being for me, than so be it, at least I took a risk and tried something.

The kids are loving Craftymama's short term program at Maple Hill. It's been a bit of an adjustment for M, I am told he is having the hardest time with it and can get quite cranky. J is 2, so he is a challenge too. The full term program for the fall also has a waitlist already! I can't believe the momentum this has, I mean I figured she would be successful - but this successful, this fast - it's astounding.

I started kenpo - which is a martial art, and I am loving it. Its affordable and twice a week and so so hard. I love how much it pushes me, and I honestly love walking away with bruises. I have great sensei's, who are patient with my lower fitness level, and great classmates, who both know when to treat me gently (as the only girl in the class and a good 8" shorter than the next shortest person) and when to challenge me. I am also trying to eat better and exercise at home. I have lost 24lbs in 2 months, and its awesome. I'm hoping it continues. I am trying to learn to love my body, I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be, but you have to start somewhere.

So the whole relationship thing - I swear that's why most people read this thing anyways. Ha Ha. So as we know glassman and craftymama split up. Since that time Craftymama and I have toyed with the idea of being open in our relationship. While she really wanted to be, I had a hard time with it speaking honestly. I have always believed in non-monogamy, but for some reason when it came to her I have issues. I continue to have some issues, but I am working on and through them with her support. This is something I want to do. I have even begun pursing the idea of seeing other people myself. I went on a date with a guy last week, which was a lot of fun - it's been years since I have been on a first date! I also have been getting close to this other guy; I can talk to him about my insecurities and jealousies with craftymama, and he, being in an open relationship as well, is able to talk to me with some knowledge of the situation. It's nice to have a friend who understands. Craftymama has been on dates as well, and I'm not going to lie, I did have some uncomfortable feelings. They have gotten a lot better over the past two-ish months, and I am making progress and facing demons. I am honestly proud of myself. I feel that this situation has made me deal with issues that have been plaguing me for years. I am now forced to deal with my low self confidence - it's empowering and scary for me. I have craftymama to help support me through things, and she has been amazing and very reassuring when I needed it. This is a new journey, it's full of excitement and fear - which are the best kind of adventures.

That leaves me and glassman. Neither of us know what we want a relationship between us to look like. It's been 6 years since we have been on our own without craftymama as our sort of glue. We are...well...I don't know what we are. We have decided to just not have a label, let things be, and see what happens. He is not comfortable being in an open relationship at all. He is fine with my being with Craftymama, but not with anyone else. So I feel sort of conflicted. If I want to be open with craftymama, I can't be with glassman, but if I want to be with glassman - I cant be with anyone else...It's hard. Relationships are hard.

I try to keep reminding myself every day that I am worthy, and that I deserve good things. It's hard to actually believe that - but I'm working on it. I'm also trying to recognize my accomplishments, and be proud of them. Even if no one else is going to be proud of me, I can be proud of me. At the end of the day all you have is yourself, so you better learn to like it.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Growth in All Ways

So I haven't posted in a month! I want to post more, but I don't find myself in front of a computer at home much, or craftymama is monopolizing it for her school. A lot has changed in the past month.

Ctraftymama had her first open house for Maple Hill , it went great, about 30 people came out, she had tons of questions and tons of interest. Her first session, a 6 week one day a week course as an introduction to free learning, is already full and there is interest for her fall full time program! It's absolutely incredible, I am so proud of her and how this is all coming together. She is even going to a course in Portland, Oregon in August with her business partner.

Glassman started working again - yay! He is working for the same company he worked briefly for last year. They are based out of Duncan but have a job in Nanaimo right now so it's been rather convenient for him. It's nice to have him working again. The income is great, and it's good for his mental well being as well. Though I am sure Craftymama did enjoy the extra set of hands around the house at times.

I have an interview with a funeral home next week, it was supposed to be on Friday but as the industry goes - someone passed away so they were called away to take care of things. I don't think anything other than networking will come of this as they did tell me they weren't looking to take on any apprentices at the moment - but its a great place to start. I am anxiously excited!

The kids are well - BigR has recently began reading up a storm, its like he wasn't reading and then all of sudden he could. It was awesome. He is current at a 3 day camp with his Scouts group on the mountain. K has been writing a bunch of songs and is really into singing lately, she wants to be a famous singer and perform on stage! M has been focused on minecraft lately, and he is getting quite good at it. While they are using his tablets he will just sit quietly building whatever it is that you build. I've heard how educational and whatnot this game is so that's cool - I don't get it though. LittleR, well, she is still into me and unicorns - those are her passions in life. And J..well J is is starting the weaning process and isn't too happy about that.

Relationships have also changed. Craftymama and Glassman are no longer in a relationship, so that means we are no longer a triad. At this point we are a V. I'm not really comfortable discussing the reasons why this happened, as it's too personal for a public blog, but it's beyond sad. I am sad for them, I am sad for me, and I am sad for us. We are committed to making this work as a family, no matter what the individual relationships look like, we are in this together and we all still love each other in one form or another.

Another change that has happened is that Craftymama and I are in an open relationship. I am not really sure what this looks like other than we are both free to have feelings or be more open to experiences with other people. Craftymama is currently in some form of a relationship with someone else, and me, well, I am adjusting. It was harder than I was expecting, and I felt different and more powerful emotions than I was expecting. However, I firmly believe in this, and I believe that I can overcome any feelings I have. Also, I believe that Craftymama and I can get through anything. She is always there to reassure me when I need it, which is wonderful.

As for me and another relationship, I am working on building my self confidence and self esteem. I want to learn to love myself. I have made great strides in this regard in the last month. I have begun to eat better and exercise, I've even joined a martial art, Kenpo, which is challenging me every time I go. I've picked up my guitar again. I'm going to a Borderline Personality Disorder Support Group. My meds are under control and stable. I'm doing all the right things and I am feeling better. I am reaching out to old friends and making new ones.

It's been a long time of living in the dark and merely surviving my life, it's time to start actually living it.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Back to Work

So today marked back to reality. Actually - the only thing that changed was that I went back to work. Glassman still isn't working, though he did call EI today to get that figured out and is hoping to start up with a glazing company in Duncan in the next couple of weeks. So nothing changed for anyone but me.

I realized, today, that I need a change. I need to be doing something that brings my joy. I love the people I work for and its a great job, and I am good at it, but it isn't my passion. Not only is it unfair to me to be working at something that isn't my passion, it's unfair of me to be taking the job of someone who's passion this might be. I can picture the person now: the one who loves refinishing furniture, or crafty things, who has the patience for these techniques and small details, the person who loves sales, and talking to people (though I do love talking to people). That person is out there, and I am taking their job, and that isn't fair.

I am afraid of losing the friends I have made, and the connections I have forged with people. I have been honest with them about everything since the beginning and they have been supportive and flexible and wonderful with me through being kicked out of my house, my mental health issues, and the many things that arise with children. I don't want to lose that.

I made a New Years Resolution to choose joy and I need to do that. I need to choose something that brings me joy.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Love


At one point or another on Christmas day all of my children, save for J, said that Christmas was about love (for food, for family, for being together, or just for love's sake.) It was a wonderful thing to here. Christmas has always been about stuff for me, and it's been a big issue. I always wanted my Christmases to be toned down. And they were for awhile, especially when we were really involved in the Waldorf Community. I am grateful for that time, and proud of myself for all the hand made things we used to do, and maybe the fear that existed a bit in grandparents to get the children the things they really wanted to. Now the grandparents are doing what they want to do (which makes me happy, because life should be about satisfying your own needs, and not constantly worrying about satisfying someone else's requirements), we have less time for hand made, and we are not longer as Waldorf. I still see the value in having a wooden, albeit more expensive, animal and farmhouse over a plastic one as I feel the play will be warmer and more involved, it is not crucial - it is not the be all end all. What is most important is that my children know what Christmas is about - and I think we have achieved that. Parenting level: expert.

We went around to all the grandparents houses. It was chaotic. It was a lot. Our kids handled it as best as they could given the change in routine, the late bedtimes, and the influx of new and shiny things. I am glad the hoopla is over. I am excited to do Christmas pizza next year, instead of a dinner.

I am trying not to be a Grinch, I really worked on it this year. In some ways I succeeded, but I was tested in a lot of ways buy a few things, and I failed a few of those tests. I am grateful I had the support of my partners to remind me to breathe and relax and do what I needed to do to manage everything.

So from my family to your family have a wonderful rest of 2015, enjoy your entry to 2016 and be gentle on yourself and others.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

It's the most wonderful time of the year

I hate Star Wars. Really, I do. But the kids freaking love it. M as a matter of fact is learning to read because of Star Wars, BigR is also kind of catching on to reading through Star Wars and K, well she could already ready. But really, I'm sick of hearing about Padme (who K pronounces PadMee), and Maul, and even J is into Backa and Solo (cute, but still, arg!). We have only watched one movie, we are planning on watching Episode 5 soon, and then this will only increase, this will only get worse - I am afraid. But yay, interests I guess.

What else is going on? Well, the Christmas season is coming, in like 9 days. With Glassman not working we planned to do a toned down thing, but we received from very nice gifts that have helped us immensely and to which we are eternally grateful for. It is still toned down compared to a lot of people's I think, but with 8 people in the house, even if people only get 3 gifts, that is still 24 presents under the tree. OH! Speaking of the tree, this year we got the tree that did not want to be a tree for us. It would not stand. We tried tying it up, we tried using blocks to support it, we tried using rocks - we tried everything - it would NOT stand. Finally we got a bucket, put the bucket in the stand, put the tree in the bucket and put gravel rocks in with the tree to hold it. It is standing, but I know that one day I am going to wake up and come out of the bedroom to a fallen tree. Several times a day you can hear a parent shout "Don't touch the tree!" It's to be looked at only.

We have my work Christmas party on Friday, Santa will be making a visit (J will love it!), then Glassman's family party on Sunday, then Craftymama's dad's on the 23rd, my mom's on the 24th, and then Craftymama's mom's on the 26th. So much for boxing day open house where all the grandparents come. I don't like all of this traveling around and multiple Christmases. But I suppose it's only fair, they travelled to us to many times in Duncan, that we can move around for them.

I am trying to enjoy Christmas more this year. Nor focus on the expectations, and just let things go more. It was working up until the tree debacle, and decorating when there were 9 people here and the kids were absolutely insane and the house was a mess and I was just trying to make some memories dammit! I am enjoying it more, overall. I am not a complete Grinch, but there are certainly things I could do without.

I have a some days off from work that I am looking forward to, well, not really financially speaking, but it'll be good to have some days off to mentally and emotionally recharge. I am trying to take responsibility for my emotions and do some self care things. So far it hasn't really been working, but the point is I have started to try, and I have an amazing doctor and an even more amazing support system at home.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Life isn't Always Perfect

Relationships aren't easy. They are a lot of work. Add into the mix the fact that we don't have just one relationship going on like you would in a monogamous relationship - we have 4: Craftymama & Glassman, Glassman & Myself, Myself & Craftymama, and the three of us together. That's 4 relationships that need nurturing and time and patience and everything else.

Yes, it's definitely worth it.

Lately, though, it has been challenging. The relationships aren't connecting on the levels they need to be and some of us are feeling left out, lonely, like we don't fit in, or that our other needs aren't being met.

We have tried to have some discussions about some of these specific issues, but I think the root of the problem is we are trying to do to much. We have the usual chaos that is having 8 people in a house, plus Glassman isn't working so there is that stress, which adds to the money stress. Then Craftymama is trying to get her school organized and ready to open at least part time in the new year, which is a lot of both physical work and mental work. Then there is me, and really I am the only one I can really speak for. I am trying to work on all my mental issues in a variety of ways: each of which very different and yet still vital to my health, plus I am trying to expand my parenting tool repertoire, then there is the whole working towards becoming a funeral director which I am making small strides towards. It's hard to keep all the balls up in the air and not drop some from time to time. We have to find priorities and hold those ones up the longest.

For me, I am looking to connect with people. All of our interactions seem to be about bills or surface stuff, or major meltdown issues. There is nothing in the middle, nothing that helps us feel we are truly connected to each other through our minds, hearts, and bodies.

Perhaps I am asking too much. Part of this polyamory thing is recognizing that not just one person can meet all your needs, and it's not fair to ask them too. Am I happy with what I have? I think so, I certainly love who I am with, and I love being with them. It's only when I think about what I feel 'should' be happening or how things ought to be that I begin questioning and wondering if I am truly happy. I am mentally stimulated at work, my boss and I follow similar trains of thought, so I really do enjoy having discussions with him, that need of mine is being met at work - why does it need to be met at home? The important thing is that a person's needs are met, it doesn't really matter how, does it?

Maybe I just go searching for problems? But I do think there are some things we need to work on, in fact I know there is; it's simply a matter of figuring out what's important and what can wait - while at the same time juggling all those aforementioned balls.